How to set boundary
Mindsets, communications, love, and trust
We have probably all been there: someone’s behavior made us uncomfortable, yet we struggled to take it up as an issue with the other person.
The question here really isn’t about setting boundary.
Your boundary is there: discomfort is the exact sign that your boundary is up and running, telling you this person or situation is stepping on it.
The real question is about expressing your boundary, and working with others. It is about communications.
It is important to first note that healthy boundaries are not fixed list of rules. And they are not, or not only, for self defense.
Think of a defensive wall. It can protect a city from its enemies but also keep it isolated from potential allies.
This is a mindset of battle. Of self-other opposition, of right-or-wrong binary thinking.
Very often people who have trouble expressing their boundaries have a mindset of battle, thinking it would mean blaming the other party and thus potentially starting a fight over who is wrong.
This mindset makes communications difficult in the first place, because most of us don’t want a fight.
Instead, what we want to bring in while setting and expressing our boundaries is a mindset of cooperation.
Boundaries help us understand the shape we want to occupy in the world, and help others help us build that shape.
If we frame our boundaries as a new finding to be shared with the other party, it would feel easier to bring it up from our side, and our tone of speaking would also be much less harsh or accusing for the other side.
Of course, there is no way we could predict the other person’s reaction.
But I am sure that, compared to the mindset of battle, you will have much less of a chance to make the other person defensive with the mindset of cooperation.
It is also important to make sure you yourself are really in a cooperative rather than a combative way of thinking, so your conversation will not quickly turn into a fight.
It may be difficult because you probably have already had difficult feelings about the issue of boundary that you would want to bring up.
Therefore, processing and reflection on your own feelings and your boundaries are needed in the first place, before even bringing it up to the other party.
You wouldn’t be perfect the first time, since it takes work and practice.
But know this is hard work and celebrate any small steps of improvement you have in expressing your boundaries.
Also, try to understand “conflicts” or “discomfort” over boundaries as a good thing: it is an opportunity for growth.
It is also a good sign that your relationship with the other person has deepened to the point where you really get to impact each other’s sense of space.
When the communication works out, a stronger bond is created from a shared deeper understanding of each others’ ways of being.
When the communication doesn’t work out, this mindset helps us navigate it as a mismatch in the the dynamic from which we can adjust our expectations of the relationship going forward.
In both cases, something good would come out of this encounter.
Either the relationship had deepened, or that it hadn’t, but you had gained a clearer idea about yourself and your future relationships.
This brings in a deeper level of discussion around self-love and self-trust.
The issue around expressing boundary is first and foremost a problem in one’s relationship with oneself.
Often people didn’t want to express their boundaries because they didn’t want to offend the other person.
In this case, we prioritize others before ourselves. It is actually unreasonable considering the idea of offending others is a pure assumption.
So we have actually submitted our boundary to our fear that comes mostly from imagination.
Of course, we don’t need to tell every stranger our boundaries, but we could easily make it into a habit with people closer to us.
And we have seen it too. Discomfort piles up higher and higher, and one day you will snap. And the other person would be in shock, confused, and feeling wronged. So would you.
This cycle of feeling->repression->eruption->breaking is one many operate on, yet it is actually all due to our own fear and imagination in the first place.
Not only had the relationship not deepened through open conversations, it had actually been negatively affected by what the imaginary fear had manifested.
That, and feeling uncomfortable all the way through. Why would we do that?
If we had loved ourselves more, we should not have let ourselves go through the emotional pressure and turmoil.
If we had loved ourselves more, we would value and express our own needs in the first place.
If we had loved ourselves more, we would not be so attached to the imagination of what others would react to the reality of what we feel.
As love goes, there is also a lack of trust.
Repressing our discomfort around boundaries shows a lack of trust in the other person that they could react to us positively and communicate with care.
It shows a lack of trust in ourselves that we could handle the other person’s reactions, no matter positive or negative.
It shows a lack of trust in the relationship that it could be more supportive that we expected.
A lack of trust that we simply deserve to have our needs listened to and our boundaries respected.
And this is the deeper work we need to do for feeling well and happy in all interpersonal relationships.
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